So I have been way, way absent from this for way too long. But I’m out living life too much to blog about it, and then when there is nothing going on, I’m too depressed to blog about anything!
But since nobody reads this, maybe this will help me get some things straight in my head. And in my heart.
Last night I sat in my truck after getting back from a meeting, and I prayed. Actually, I left the meeting and I started crying. And praying. And then sobbing and praying out loud. Yes, I bet I was a fright for any who saw me! But I guess that when you get to this point in life, somethng’s gotta give. They say we are a broken people, and last night I finally found my brokenness. I mean I’ve always known I’m broken – who hasn’t got a few cracks in their armor, huh? – but last night really brought me to a new understanding. Until you finally get to the point where you just STOP and realize that there is NOTHING you can do, that you have to let things go, only then can things truly begin to heal.
I’ll fill you in, I’m sure, on what I am talking about. Someday. Right now, it just hurts too bad to even think his name, much less discuss things.
Thank God for my wonderful husband who is supporting me through all of this. Thank you Mikey for having the faith in me that no, I am NOT insane, no matter how hard things push me to make me feel like I am.
But on to “God’s Cake”… so I get to work this morning, to find an email forward from a good friend. Judy retired a couple of years ago, and I never realized how badly I’d miss her. BUT, the little lady keeps tabs on me every day, and she always makes me smile whether it is an email forward, or just something silly to say hello.
Today’s email brought TWO forwards, one being the aforementioned “God’s Cake”. I ALMOST deleted it without reading it (for I am in a bad mood, and I’m grouchy and licking my wounds and the world sucks, so why do I want to read a fluffy forward anyway, right?) But, something told me to read it. And I did.
And it is the answer to the prayer. See, during my crying, hysterical, mostly incoherent begging session last night, I asked Him to just help me figure it out. Then I asked him to please please please just let me get over it, to let it go, to let His will be done, and to fix it if it was meant to be fixed. I asked a lot of why. And yes, I even did the stupid, overdone “give me a sign” thing.
He sent me two of them today. The first is this:
Sometimes we wonder, “What did I do to deserve this?” or “Why did God have to do this to me?” Here is a wonderful explanation! A daughter is telling her Mother how everything is going wrong, she’s failing algebra, her boyfriend broke up with her and her best friend is moving away.
Meanwhile, her Mother is baking a cake and asks her daughter if she would like a snack, and the daughter says, “Absolutely Mom, I love your cake.”
“Here, have some cooking oil,” her Mother offers.
“Yuck” says her daughter.
“How about a couple raw eggs?” “Gross, Mom!”
“Would you like some flour then? Or maybe baking soda?”
“Mom, those are all yucky!”
To which the mother replies: “Yes, all those things seem bad all by themselves. But when they are put together in the right way, they make a wonderfully delicious cake! “
God works the same way. Many times we wonder why He would let us go through such bad and difficult times. But God knows that when He puts these things all in His order, they always work for good! We just have to trust Him and, eventually, they will all make something wonderful!
God is crazy about you. He sends you flowers every spring and a sunrise every morning.
Whenever you want to talk, He’ll listen. He can live anywhere in the universe, and He chose your heart.
The second – and completely unexpected email – came from one of my bosses of all people. I won’t share it all here, but the one line that stands out most to me is:
“When you relinquish the desire to control your future, THEN you obtain happiness.”
So, apparently I just need to let go, huh?