So I’m hammering at a project today, just got it to the point where I can take a break. My gosh, I need a break in a lot of things. There are times when I wonder just how much a person can take. I mean, there are folks who have serious problems, and I look at my life by comparison and I realize that I have it pretty good, and have no room for complaint.
Technically, the worst thing in my life is the rising price of gasoline. Okay, yeah, and the fact that HE is graduating in 38 days, and has no job prospects yet. I know he’s going to be wonderful in his profession, I really do. IF HE CAN GET INTO THE PROFESSION!!!! Every day the phone doesn’t ring is another day that I just get more scared. I know it’s just a matter of faith, but those of you who know me know that faith (in all areas) is something I struggle with. Been burned too many times by too many people and things I trust(ed) in.
So why am I so restless? What is it that I am after? Why do I let myself get so bothered by the little things? I swear, I spend half my life apologizing becuase I feel I’ve wronged someone somehow, yet now I find myself working harder than ever to try to do things right. I bang my head against the wall more now to please more people, and fall short every time. There’s always someone who does everything better, faster, easier.
My gosh, am I going to be one of those old people that is a burden on her famiy? The old nana that they put in a nursing home and forget about because she complains too much? Good grief, all I want to do is take care of those I love, but instead it’s just a mtter of time before they don’t need me and I’m a burden! Whoa…what a crappy revelation!
And then there’s another HE who told me today that he doesn’t need my help. Heck, I’ll bet he doesn’t think about me once he hangs up the phone with me. So why the heck is it breaking my heart? It shouldn’t…but I hate one-sided friendships. I’d do anything for him, and it just doesn’t matter to him. Maybe I’d better learn how to walk away…..
And then there’s this stupid project I’m working on for Jeff, and he didn’t even like it, like it’s not good enough. I tried hard, really I did…..