Time for Change

Well, I have been planning this for about a week now.  I’ve been psyching myself up for it, envisioning it, even dreaming about it.  Today it happened.

And I must say, I am very proud that it did!

I told nobody what my plans were until yesterday…until I was sure my heart was in it.  I guess I didn’t want to wind up with the inevitable announce-fail-shame cycle that usually happens when I declare that I am finally going to do something for myself.

Today, I regained a bit of dignity and self-empowerment.  I went running.

Now before anyone signs me up for the Boston Marathon, please do not mistake my little triumph as anything more than just that:  my LITTLE triumph.  I only ran for a little under a mile, didn’t actually RUN the whole way, and pretty much sounded like The Little Engine that Shouldn’t.  pant wheeze WHEEZE cough pant pant… You get the point.  A 38-and-a-half-year-old, grossly overweight, potential heart-attack victim is NOT a pretty sight at 6 a.m.  BUT, there had to be a start somewhere.

Not sure where this is going to lead, if anywhere.  But for ONCE in a very long time, I did something that I told myself I was going to do.  I hauled my roundy self OUT OF BED.  EARLY. ON A MONDAY before work, and went out and EXERCISED.  ME? Wow.  Congratulations and happy dance, Self.  That’s the first tiny step on a very long journey!

Will I post about this again?  Yep.  Do I plan on making a habit of it?  Gonna try.  Will there be whining and disappointment?  You betcha!  But as long as I get back on there and try when I fail, that’s the important thing, right?

Slow Dancing In a Burning Room

So I love John Mayer. And Andi loves John Mayer. And the majority of my friends over 30 do NOT love John Mayer. But that’s okay, because it’s one of those things that Andi and I bond over.  It’s kind of one of the things that she and her college friends have a “thing” for, and they were kind enough to invite me in to their club. It makes me feel honored.

But, there’s a song that John has done that really always just lets me escape for just a few minutes.  So, here we go, the lyrics to one of my favorite JM songs.

Slow Dancing in a Burning Room

It's not a silly little moment
It's not the storm before the calm
This is the deep and dyin breath of
this love we've been workin on
Can't seem to hold you like I want to
so I can feel you in my arms
Nobody's gonna come and save you
we pulled to many false alarms

We're goin down
and you can see it too
We're goin down
and you know that we're doomed
my dear
we're slow dancing in a burnin room

I was the one you always dreamed of
you were the one i tried to draw
how dare you say it's nothin to me
baby, you're the only light I ever saw

I made the most of all the sadness
you'd be a bitch because you can
you try to hit me just hurt me
so you leave me feelin dirty cuz you can't understand

We're goin down
and you can see it too
We're goin down
and you know that we're doomed
my dear
we're slow dancing in a burnin room

Go cry about it why don't you
Go cry about it why don't you
Go cry about it why don't you
my dear, we're slow dancin in a burnin room
burnin room, burnin room
don't you think we oughta know by now
don't you think we shoulda learned somehow
don't you think we oughta know by now
don't you think we shoulda learned somehow
don't you think we oughta know by now
don't you think we shoulda learned somehow
don't you think we shoulda learned somehow
don't you think we shoulda learned somehow
don't you think we shoulda learned somehow
don't you think we shoulda learned somehow

Why?

What the heck happened to the four of us?  When did lies, deception, untruths, and giving up enter our friendship? You guys were like BROTHERS, man.  The three of you and me – the four of us were a team.  We could take on the world, and we knew the others had our back.

Now, one of you won’t talk to me at all, and blames me for the failure of your friendship with one of the others; one of you vacillates between treating me like I’m the greatest thing ever and completely avoiding me; and one of you lives with me, you poor pitiful soul.

Where did I go wrong?  Where did it all go to pieces, and why the heck didn’t I stop it?  I loved the three of you more than my own life…

Why am I posting this NOW, after all these years?  I’m tired.  Tired of fighting the ghosts and raking the memories over the coals.  I miss who we were.  And I’m not saying I want to go back there.  I just wish that as we grew and evolved, that we could have done it together.

Now, it’s all shattered.  And why is it that nobody’s looking back but me?

EDIT:  And no, this is not posted because anybody said or did anything.  Nothing was posted on Facebook or Twitter or any blog that made me go all memory-laney. I just so happened to be by myself, driving down Johnson Avenue on a sunny day, when Blues Traveler came on the radio.  And it reminded me of one summer when we absolutely played the “FOUR” CD all the time, when you guys lived in Apartment City.  And then one thing led to another, and in true Fossie fashion, I realized that somehow, some way, a huge hole in my heart was still there.

Thank God the song that came on was “Runaround”….if it had been “Hook,” I’d have cried my eyes out for sure.

In and Out of Time

This is where my head is at right now.  Care to guess why?

In and Out of Time
by Maya Angelou

The sun has come.
The mist has gone.
We see in the distance…
our long way home.
I was always yours to have.
You were always mine.
We have loved each other in and out of time.
When the first stone looked up at the blazing sun
and the first tree struggled up from the forest floor
I had always loved you more.
You freed your braids…
gave your hair to the breeze.
It hummed like a hive of honey bees.
I reached in the mass for the sweet honey comb there….
God…how I love your hair.
You saw me bludgeoned by circumstance.
Lost, injured, hurt by chance.
I screamed to the heavens….loudly screamed….
Trying to change our nightmares to dreams…
The sun has come.
The mist has gone.
We see in the distance our long way home.
I was always yours to have.
You were always mine.
We have loved each other in and out
in and out
in and out
of time.

May Ramblings

Well, so much for keeping this “up to date”…

So, let’s work from what’s on my mind currently and head backwards to cover what’s going on.

Sickness

This week brought strep to yours truly.  The strep itself is annoying, yes, but it was compounded by:

1. The guys I work with have been sick with some kind of sinus thingy.
2. The way things are going at work, I cannot take off to recuperate.

So, with being run down from the strep, my defenses were down and I think I caught what the boys have.

Holiday

But since this is Memorial Day weekend, I have had a chance to SLEEP and catch up.  And good lord the insanity around me.  There were several random acts of vandalism in Jonesboro last night; Fed-Ex Office got trashed and Doc Whybrew’s office got the front plate glass window smashed out. Also, a friend’s family member was in a bad car wreck wherein her ankle, shoulder, femur, and neck were all broken.  She’s in a lot of pain now, but the outlook is good so far. And then the ex called, which always stresses me out.  I dunno, ever since the canoe trip from hell, Memorial Day has usually brought pet deaths, big fights, and general mayhem.  I plan on staying in the house for most of the day tomorrow.

Work

Well, since the economy has tanked, manufacturing has tanked.  I know that the powers that be are doing everything they can to turn things around.  But when your entire industry is in trouble, there’s only so much you can do.  Praying and crossing my fingers.

Idol

Let me state this very clearly:  I adore Danny Gokey.  He’s sweet, dedicated to his charity, hot as heck, and talented for days.  Up through the final three, I voted for Danny the most, and Kris Allen second.  And Danny came in third overall.  Okay, I had to pick up my pouty bottom lip and move on. And of course from that point, EVERY vote I cast – SEVERAL hundred of them, btw – then went for fellow Arkansan Kris Allen.  I’d always pulled for the guy, because he too is talented, charming, and just a nice guy.  And he lives about two hours down the road from me, so DUH, of course that’s who I’m going to vote for. Even though he was the underdog, I didn’t care.  He deserved to win.

I do not hate Adam Lambert by ANY means.  The kid can sing his eyeliner off.  And I hope that the rumors about Queen being interested in him are true, and that it works out for them.  BUT, he is NOT a “rock GOD!” (no matter what Kara gushed); he’s a 27-year-old kid who has a long way to go in the tough machine that is Stardom.  I wish him much luck.

What I DO have a problem with are two things:  1.  The judges wrote Kris off and declared Adam the winner.  It’s almost as if they saw Kris and Danny as a package deal, and were ready to send them both packing the same week.  I hope this teaches them not to write off a contestant just because he’s not glitzy.  The nice guy can win.

2.  My biggest problem with this year’s American Idol is this:  all the haters.  Talk about your sore losers.  Just because Adam didn’t win, we have to hear things like “major upset,” “America got it wrong,” “the Christians rigged the vote,” and other hateful things.  Kris Allen has an AMAZING voice, great charm, strong talent, and a loyal fan base.  Let it go.  Stop posting such derogitory things about a really great artist.  Funny, these haters are the ones that are going to be doing everything they can to get to meet Kris should he come to their area.  Sad.

I know, it’s just a singing competition. I have heard everything from, “If as many people voted in the Presidential election as voted on American Idol….” or wondering “how many of the American Idol/Kris Allen fans ever get that excited about worshiping the one who died for them.” But still, I just get tired of people hating.  Congratulations, Kris.  You DESERVE the win.

So, I guess this isn’t much of a restart, but I had to jump in somewhere, right? D

Silliness

So today I get an email from a dear friend, one of those FORWARD TO 99 PEOPLE IN 6 SECONDS OR YOUR HAIR WILL FALL OUT AND YOU WILL BE FLATTENED BY A STREET SWEEPER kind of emails.  Well, Hmmm.  No matter, because I thought it was cute.  It was one of those horoscope thingies.  And about yours truly, it said:

EXTREMELY adorable.  Loves to joke. Very Good sense of humor. Will try almost anything once.  Loves to be pampered.  Energetic. Predictable. GREAT kisser. Always get what they want.  Attractive.  Loves being in long relationships. Talkative. Loves to party but at times to the extreme.  Loves the smell and feel of money and is good at making it but just as good at spending it!  Very protective over loved ones. HARD workers. Can be a good friend but if disrespected by a friend, the friendship will end. Romantic. Caring.

So, YAY, I think that’s a very nice way to describe us Scorpio types!

THEN I took TWO quizzes on Facebook, and I found out the most fun things about myself.

Tracey completed the quiz “Which Grease Character Are You?” with the result John Travolta- Danny.
your good looking and popular and all the girls fall at your feet. you can create the perfect hairstyle and have a killer fashion sense. you are tough and rugid, but you can come off a bit strong. all your pals idolize you and see you as the group leader. you take the mickey quite a lot and don’t care about school work. you can also be quite sensitive and sweet but only when your mates aren’t around. you are the guy that everyone wants and wants to be, you are GREASE LIGHTENING!.

From a girl who grew up wanting to be Sandy (until she found out how much fun it was to be Rizzo!), this is truly hilarious!

THEN, I took another quiz, and am laughing my rear off, because:

Tracey completed the quiz “Which Steel Magnolias Character Are You?” with the result Ouiser Boudreaux (Shirley MacLaine’s character).  You are Ouiser. You are confident, self-reliant, and comfortable speaking your mind. You may have cared what other people thought of you in the past, but you’re over that now. As you say, you’re “not as sweet” as you used to be. (Perhaps you’ve been hurt in the past, so you have told yourself it’s better to protect yourself than be hurt again?) You’re comfortable in your own skin, and often say what everyone else is thinking, although they’d never dream of saying it aloud! You’re witty and can be brash and sarcastic, but deep down you’re a real softy! You are used to showing a hard outer shell, but sometimes you don’t know what to do when life crumbles around you. It’s during these times, you need to lean on those girlfriends to get you through. And once you’re feeling better…you can bounce back to your rare form we all know and love! (P.S., we all secretly admire your confidence!).

Now, you must understand something…see, Missi and I absolutely LOVE Steel Magnolias with all our hearts.  AND, we have always said that she and I are Ouiser and Clairee, but we never could figure out which of us was which.  (Well, Missi, darling, we now have “scientific” proof! LOL! You are Clairee! D )

In a time when I’ve got so much seriousness and stressfulness in my life, I sure enjoyed this dose of silliness!

Forgiveness

Perhaps this is just a mood, or maybe I’m finally growing up.  But I think there comes a time when you really need to get over old wounds, stop reliving them, and just let it go.  In that spirit, I have been set on the path to make amends.  (Yes, set on the path, by a dear old friend.)

Don’t get me wrong, I’m not becoming one of those feel-good, “love everyone” kind of people.  I will still get my Julia Sugarbaker righteous indignation when I or a loved one is wronged.  BUT, I am trying to be better, and will try very hard to not be so freakin’ judgemental.  (I said TRY.)

(Tangent:  And no, this does not cover a current situation I am in, whereupon my heart is ripped open every single time I think of it.  I have loved, I have lost, and I don’t like it one bit.  I’m not mad because I lost the romantic love; I am crushed because I am being forced to give up what was once a huge part of my existance.)

I am tired of the past haunting me, and the future being so scary and the present feeling like I’m suffocating.  It’s time to forgive, admit what I have done, address what they have done, make amends, and let it go.  Then to leave it up to the other parties involved, and either move forward as friends, or to at least get the past resolved and agree to go on toward our separate paths.  Either way, forgiveness needs to be big in my life, not only to forgive others, but to forgive myself.

Anybody got any ideas on how to go about this?

Idol for the Week

Yes, to the chagrin of my dear beloved Nick I am afraid I have to post my take on this week’s American Idol.  I know you held out hope for me to rise above the mediocrity, my friend, but I have to have something to distract me.

Now, ON TO IDOL!

1.  Matt.  He did a very good job!  Justin Timberlake would be proud! Four votes.

2.  Kris.  Yes, he’s from just down the road, and that could be part of the reason I vote for him.  But I think that no, there’s more to it than that.  The kid has a very crystalline voice, and he can play the guitar too.  Eight votes!

3.  Scott.  Sorry.  Just didn’t feel it.  Zero votes.

4.  Megan.  Ugh.  Bad song choice.  Wrong attitude.  I didn’t forgive her for last week’s massacre of “Walking After Midnight” (She sang it while she was SMILING?!  Have you LISTENED to Patsy Cline?  That song is about a woman going out SEARCHING FOR LOVE…and she wasn’t all chipper about it either, girlie.) So this week was no better for me.  She has an amazing jazzy voice… she should use that. Can I subtract votes? Negative seven.

5.  Anoop.  Yes, I didn’t like this child at first.  But between last week and this week.. ANOOP!  Great job! Four Votes!

6.  Michael.  Honey, go home.  You miss your daughter, go hang out with her til the tour starts.  Zero votes.

7. Lil.  YAY LIL!  I like her because a) she’s from Memphis and b) she’s got so much heart.  I think I’d cry too if I got to go visit the home of Motown.  So yes, this was ‘her week’ for many reasons.  Unfortunately, her vocal did seem a bit pushed.  I think it was emotion and nerves, though.  She looked flawless, and she did deliver a powerful performance, so of course I voted for her! Five votes!

8.  Adam.  I was prepared to subtract votes for him as well this week.  I’m not Adam’s biggest fan.  From the night he screeched “Satisfaction”, I just didn’t feel it.  So last week, when he did that rendition of “Ring of Fire”  – the one that made me cringe until I realized it was up to interpretation – I was willing the whole of America to send him home.  And then tonight he did a Smokey CLASSIC and I was about ready to jump through the screen…and then he started singing.  And he did it WELL.  So much so that yes, he got POSITIVE feedback from me.  Two votes! (He doesn’t need more than that from me…the teenagers LOVE him!)

9.  Danny.  Okay, might I say he’s the cutest, hottest contestant this season?  Yes, between the square glasses, the killer grin, the spiky hair, the strong build…mmm.  He’s not bad on the eyes.  And his performance was upbeat and fun.  NINE votes!!!

10.  Allison.  Little spunky pink-haired rocker chick who made “Papa Was a Rolling Stone” a haunting anthem?  HECK YES!!!  Five votes.

Tampering

Good Evening! I just wanted to send a short shout-out to the person who decided they wanted to change the password to this blog:  LEAVE IT ALONE!!! This is my blog, not yours, and I do not appreciate you trying to come in and steal what is mine. It isn’t much, but I am very proud of it and you can’t have it.

Thank you,

FOSSIE

Just Dance

Lady GaGa.  Yes, the next one in the line of processed, dance tunes.  And it makes me happy.  I’m jamming to it now.

Just dance!